Brief correspondence with a colleague regarding vulnerability, self-worth, and some powerful advice from childhood

Recently, a female colleague and I had a discussion in an academic leadership forum about dealing with detractors - and I followed up with a note in the hopes that some lessons I learned early in life might be helpful to share. Although I have a lot to learn about gender inequality, the note had a very favorable impact on my colleague and we both thought that the message was worth sharing. In fact, the concepts discussed are helpful in nearly all aspects of life.

The note is reproduced below with minor edits (and with the generous permission and encouragement of my colleague).

Dear….,

It was great to chat last night. I was thinking about something that you said and wanted to respond with some thoughts for your consideration.

The conversation regarding the challenges faced by women in our field was truly enlightening and I gained some insights that I had not fully considered in the past – thanks for contributing to my never-ending education.

In our subsequent conversation, you confided about the way comments from others were capable of having a negative impact on your sense of self-worth. This was a surprise to me because you are so highly accomplished and well-respected in our field. Nevertheless, you provided examples that included caustic comments by the OR staff, comments by other clinicians, and even comments by other women that caused injury. I have reflected on our discussion and have some thoughts to offer regarding the relationship between comments from ‘others’ and your sense of self-worth (or anybody’s sense of self-worth).

One way that I have ‘managed my brain’ when it comes to comments from others is to recognize the irrefutable truth that the power to influence my sense of self-worth is granted by only one person – me. I determine whose opinion matters, others do not. Nobody else has this power unless I actively give it to them. In fact, granting the power to determine my self-worth is something that I have only done once in my life. It was a gift of love to my soul mate. Yes, her comments matter to me and it was love and vulnerability, and a giddy sense of excitement that I granted this gift as a gift of trust– and I have never regretted it.

For my many detractors in daily life? No, I do not choose to grant them this gift. They can make comments in any manner that they choose, but the impact of their comments is different. In a leadership position, I must always listen, learn, and leverage any useful information that might improve my ability to lead, but otherwise, their comments are just…chatter, and chatter does not divert me from my objectives.

I guess the idea is this: Granting the power to influence your self-worth is a precious gift that only you can bestow. Most importantly, nobody can take this gift without your permission. I believe the gift is best reserved for your soul mate- but that is up to you.

For all other people in your life, please remember the wisdom of my Uncle Franklin whispering into my ear when I was ~8 years of age (while I was being berated publicly for a silly infraction). He leaned over and whispered with a reassuring smile, a floating hand gesture, and a wink, ‘Hey kid, in one ear and out the other….’ These were the most empowering words I ever heard - and for some fortunate reason, these words stuck with me. I was empowered to select the voices that would have impact on my sense of self-worth. I could actually choose who had the power to influence me.

You, and only you, control your sense of self-worth. Others do not - and have no business inside your brain.

‘Out’ the other – and grant your power wisely.

Sincerely

CC